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Day 1in my hands i hold
the first shot burns as it flows
down my throat and then to my head
whiskey is my wine and vodka is my bread.
they cheer me on: drink another, drink again
and when i am all alone i just pretend.
it may not taste like love but it is all i know
the feeling cradles me as i sink down below.
the girl with the scars on her arms and heart
she forgets herself slowly, part by part.
every laugh that escapes as the cups go down
is one more laugh away from being drowned,
when they ask me if i am really okay,
if i really should drink anymore today,
my eyes meet theirs with a hallow smile on my face:
alcohol is not my problem, it's me wanting
to be erased.
a series of imperfectionsa series of imperfections marks my existence:
i am too short to reach for the sky
i am too heavy to leap up and fly,
i am too dark to see the into the light
i am too feminine to put up a fight.
at least, that's what they try to make me believe:
you need to know that we do not value you,
you need to know what we say is absolutely true,
you need to stay back where you are placed,
you need to give in and be erased.
in this society i am a blemish and yet here i am:
i stand with my arms reaching as high as they may,
i jump up to fly day after day
i look in the mirror and see only shine,
i am a woman and i protect what is mine.
Just Say ItThe room was silent as Alex stared around at his plain dorm walls. It was 10 PM on a Friday night and there he was studying for German class. With a sigh the thin boy leaned back in his chair and looked down at his vocabulary list.
"Ich liebe..." he began attempting to practice his pronunciation.
Before he could really get into saying what he liked though, the door shot open. Alex's blue eyes shot up in surprise as he saw his tanned skinned roommate burst through the door with a broad smile.
Raji's black hair hung wetly down the side of his head as he exclaimed, "Alex you'll never guess what I've gotten!"
Unsure what Raji could have gotten while taking a shower before he went out for his usual night on the town, Alex brushed his hand through his blond hair and sighed, "I don’t know Raji, did some guy sneak in there and give a blow job or something?"
The tall male smirked, "I wish." Then he hurried over to Alex's desk and crossed his arms triumphantly, “No what I’ve go
It feels so delicious
The nothing resting
At my center
At my core.
Every unappetizing rumble
Reminds me how close I am
To being bright
To becoming better
Than what I use to be.
The fatigue always kicks,
Tears at my brain.
Though the bones peek beautifully
Through my pallid skin
My body cannot function
On what I don't put in.
The blackouts do scare me
When they decide to pop up
Once I was in class learning,
No food for two days.
In Algebra I guess that must equal
Running to the restroom
And collapsing into waste.
There's doctors who want to diagnose me
Who want to stick me in a pin
With little tubes of 'nourishment'
So the disgusting fat can win.
Like hell I'll let them though,
I'm fine as fine can be...
I don't need you to help me.
BeautyBeauty beauty beauty
They say beauty does not matter.
They are fucking liars.
My large nose clashes
With their scuplted norm
My broad little shoulders
Are simply out of form.
Were I a foot taller
Were I skinny and clean
Then maybe, perhaps
The world wouldn't be so
And maybe boys wouldn't run
At the sight of my
Imperfect wild hair
If beauty didn't matter
Then Seventeen Magazine wouldn't
Make me wanna care
To hide my ugly face
Or losing 5 pounds
Till I barely take up space.
They keep telling me
Those beautiful people do
"Its alright to be be ugly"
Well, I guess
Someone has to.
Headphones Tell the TruthDear Diary,
When you still hate someone,
lovethem just as much.
Though you pass them in the hallways
And pretend you don't know them,
The music blaring from your headphones
Tells the truth:
Adele, Christina Perri, Abba
Someone like You, Arms, the Winner Takes it All.
Who knew there were so many
Broken hearted songs?
Songs for girls like you who've
Let their heart win
And lost all they thought they had?
When you hate someone so much your heart hurts,
Then diary, I believe,
You may be keeping yourself from
Such lovely, other songs.
FriendshipI hope you're reading this,
But you're probably not.
Because you can't be bothered with caring
That might make you realize
What an asshole you are.
I'm not here to call names though
No, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do
At least, to you.
What I'm here for is not to grovel on my knees either
It's not to say how much I miss
Your anger, your hate, your unjustified envy.
The reason I'm here is just to promise
I'm just not perfect
It's to assure you
I cry at night when no one's looking,
I lose myself in the flow,
Sometimes I think I'm not me anymore,
But I am, I am,
I'm becomming everything I'm supposed to
No, I'll never hate you again.
No matter what,
I won't hate you.
And I won't be jelous, and I won't love,
Honestly I feel sorry for you.
Because you are so very sad,
Just like me.
Yeah, I Hate My ParentsYeah,I hate my parents.
Like every other teenager,
I wallow in angst and ask why in the world
I was born to such screw ups.
Her shiny fake smile to the world,
Her irked real face
Her complaining and whining
Her lack of any sort of parental responsilbilty.
She's a teenager just like me.
One moment we're friends
The next I wish I had someone who would stop me
Who would worry,
I don't want a friend for a mother.
His cynical view of the world
His phone calls once every year
His guilt stained Christams money
Finally remembering his sperm created a breathing creature.
He's a teenager just like me.
One moment we're friends
The next I wish I had a Daddy to spoil me
Like in one of those
Cheesy father daughter movies.
My self important feelings of loneliness
My blame that I enjoy dishing out but not gulfing down
My heart which reach outs to Mom and Dad
To stop short once it remembers every let down they ever put me through.
I'm just a teenager
One moment I
To: YouThrough my fingers slip your grasp
It happens fast
And I taste the past
Like metal, and thorns, and a three week old donut
It leaves a nasty after taste.
You never knew where you were treading
All I saw was
The direction you weren't heading.
It was far from me and closer to her
What was I to do?
It's been months now since I've heard
Since you made
Do you miss me?
I doubt it.
Did you kiss me?
I'm left here alone contemplating the difference
Between love and lust
Between hurt and humour
Sometimes I look at your number still on my cellphone and smile
Then I remember the last phone call we had,
And how much it
Thought I'd never be here again
Thought I was as strong as superman, superwoman, or whatever
But you really screwed me up, jerk.
I don't know what love is any more,
Thanks to you.
I'm scared I'll fall again
Into a deeper hole that's not even love at all.
What do I do?
What love is true?
I hate this, I hate you,
As much as I hate the fact
I Tear My Skin AwayI Tear My Skin Away
I tear this skin from my body,
Even if the world screams,
That I am only an illusion.
I tear the bones from my legs,
Through pain, I will grow,
Through suffering, I will become.
I rip the muscles from my arms,
These teeth from my jaws...
And with nothing upon me,
I carry on...
Like a broken puppet, still shivering,
Still forcing its way through the darkness;
I tremble for I am nothing...
And yet, I am moving. My voice still screams...
I draw breath into these tired lungs,
As I rip the flesh away...
And I shatter these mirrors before me,
With a voice that will not break:
Because the world cannot label me as nothing,
And I will live for my own sake!
"So tell me, is that all the pain you've got for me?"
I screamMy scream is loud.
My scream is honest.
My scream is desperate.
My scream is filled with truth.
Why would nobody hear me?
You're beautifulPlease eat.
Are you listening to me?
If you are,
I want to tell you.
You re beautiful.
It doesn't matter what you weigh,
you shouldn't feel guilty about what you ate.
It doesn't matter,
I promise you things will get better.
Listen to my words,
Hold my hand.
Don't worry about the rest of the world,
It's okay if they don't understand,
How it feels like,
To feel fat,
To feel ugly,
To feel worthless.
You are none of those things.
It s okay to be chubby,
It s okay to be skinny.
Because you have a big heart.
And your smile,
Is like a priceless work of art.
And I don't want to see you destroy,
Because you're more than just a broken toy.
And to everyone else,
So for once let yourself be,
Accept your reflection.
Because you are the definition of perfection.
So don't worry,
Don't be sorry,
To be who you are.
Because you re,
Those Green Eyes (Or: Don't Lie to Your Kid)Those green eyes -
The green of joy
The green of hope
The green of love and acceptance -
Were always full of lies.
They first lied when I said,
After a nightmare at four am
When I was too small to reach a light switch,
“Will you ever leave me?”
And those eyes said,
Why did those green eyes
Shut when I needed them most?
"Are you okay?"
Would be a red line
That I would etch into myself
Those green eyes melted.
Those green eyes did shine
And I knew what it was -
I was young, not stupid -
But I indulged the lie,
For those green eyes.
"Will it get better?"
I asked one sunny Saturday
At ten in the morning
And those green eyes looked away;
“And you’ll be here forever?”
There were no words.
I made up my own affirmative.
Those green eyes -
When they saw
How I’d rubbed myself raw
notes on a matchbook love.if I were the type
to say how I really felt,
I'd tell you that
I hope you choke on your apologies
like they're arsenic
and your nails are already
with the poison.
I'd let you know
that I'll never be a body
for you to touch
just because I know that's all you want.
I'll never be a fairy in a bottle
at your waist.
this is no storybook, and
I am no myth.
hear my silence,
feel the cold absence
respond to your weak "I'm sorry"s.
I beg you,
stop digging the hole,
stop, just stop.
Hush and watch the flames
engulf the image you sold me.
you can tell me
I'm beautiful as much
as you want,
but I know that it's not enough,
that you'll always want more,
that you've been a wolf
between my legs all this time
and my fingers are bruised
from holding the leash.
now every time you whisper
"please be okay",
I will always tell you that
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I will forever pretend
that I've grown up from you,
that I've become a mystery
What is Hope?Hope is something we have as children,
It helps us thrive and try our hardest.
Hope is what we express in the worst of times
When all hope seems lost.
Hope is what people possess in life
To work toward our dreams.
Hope is a lie
That's not worth our time.
I Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger TogetherI Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger Together
if i’m being completely honest,
i can’t say i know what you’re goin’ through.
and if i’m being frank,
i’m sort of afraid to write this
because i’ve always been unsure
if i love too much but it’s my nature
and i’d rather lose by trying too hard
than to do so without doing enough.
i hope you’re asleep now
and i hope you don’t read this
till the morning and i hope by then
things will be a little lighter
but i’m hoping against hope
because if you don’t know,
i feel when things are off.
call it intuition, call it a feelin’,
say i just know it.
my friend, my door is always open
even when you’re feeling closed
off to the world and right there,
i can understand that feeling well,
because i still feel we relate to one another
better than most brothers understand their sisters.
know i look at you as a sibling
and i believe we know when the other
AltruismIt kills me inside
To see others suffering
I want to help
I try to help
But my efforts feel weak
I know I'm doing the best I can
With what I have
But I feel like
It's just not enough
But I keep trying
So I don't lose anymore friends
ReflectionsVal's pursuit led him to the foul beast's domain. The hollowed-out cavern reeked of blood and rancid meat. The dim light he had seen as he charged through the tunnel after the monster could now be identified: torches. Rows of mysteriously lit torches lined the walls of the huge cave. At its center was a substantially large labyrinth of mirrors.
He spotted the beast entering.
He spun his silver broadsword in his hand and hurried in behind it.
His garb was a simple blue and white crusader's leather with thick armored pads and reinforcing steel studs. Lightweight and flexible, but quite effective defense against blunt blows and – in a pinch – the slashing claws of the unholy spawn of the earth. All monster-hunters wore a similar variety in Val's experience. It would serve him well in these close quarters of the mirrored maze.
Right, left, forward, left, right he turned, always catching a glimpse of the beast's tail as he wove his way through the corridors. Every so often he sp
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More